On Overachievers

These days, there is a great deal of pressure on college students to go above and beyond.


If you want to get a job/in to grad school, you'd better be a member of a student organization on top of having a near perfect GPA. Actually, if you really want to do well, run for president of your organization! Oh, don't forget to hand in an application to become a Resident Advisor while you're at it. And get your Superior Edge. Are you still studying enough? Have you gotten an internship related to your major? Stressed? We have a counseling center for that, keep working!

At least that's what I'm hearing. It's like every opportunity that's set before me doesn't feel like it's waiting for me with arms open. They block my path. And while I can tip-toe around them, somehow I always end up going back for these things. When they don't jump out at me, I go crazy looking for opportunities to build up my resume.

Being an RA was probably the worst in terms of this. Don't get me wrong, I loved my job more than life itself and consider it to be one of the best things I've done with my life. But the way I worked was so unhealthy. I didn't use nearly enough of my nights off. When I wasn't in my room, my residents were constantly on my mind. Inherently, I guilted myself into spending most of my time in my room with the door open. I was advised not to worry so much about what was happening while I wasn't around. "But how can I be a resource to my residents if I'm not in my room?" I'd snap back. I think if I heard anyone say that now, I'd probably slap them and accuse them of sucking up to the Man or Wo-man. Seriously, what a kiss-ass thing to say.

So as for the overachievers at NMU, I think I am one of you, and I don't like most of you. But while we are out doing some really cool shit, maybe we need to remind people that you can do really great things and still have a personal life. I'm well over halfway into my time in college and I haven't gone to a house party. And while a lot of that had to do with the rule against that as an RA, I don't think I'd have gone to any even if I had been allowed to go. My skis rested up against the wall the entire winter last year. I haven't taken a road trip with friends yet. I haven't gone camping up in Marquette at all, and have turned down SO many offers to do so when I gladly would have scribbled down "camping night" into my planner. There was just never any room to write it down. 

So when you open the door to a new opportunity, remember there are going to be a whole lot more of those down the line. NMU is overflowing with all kinds of chances to build up your resume (which makes up for the whole N for knowledge thing). Don't let the best years of your life get buried under 18-credit semesters that seemingly need to end in a 4.0 and getting a better internship than everyone else in your major. If you want to go to a party with your roommate, go to a party with your roommate. If you don't like it, get some milk and oreos and watch your friends get shitfaced. Blow your money driving down to Chicago with your group of friends. If you want to make out with someone, go fucking do it. If you don't, get a pet cat and teach it the wonders of Netflix. Spend your down time however you want, just make sure you have a healthy dose of it when you can. You can still save the world and take naps on the daily.

When I am happy I will not forget this.

The bad days aren't so frequent anymore, but I don't really consider myself a "happy" person just yet. I guess I'd say I'm "working on it." 

But I did have a bad night just a few days ago. A friend sent me a picture, a snapshot of her and her boyfriend smiling back at me. I felt like it was screaming at me. Thank god it was only a snapchat, so I didn't have to look at it for more than five seconds. What the hell had either of them EVER been through in their entire lives? Nothing like me. Why am I fighting so hard to be okay, and they don't have to put in an ounce of effort to SMILE like that?! God it was disgusting. 

The day before I posted a new year's eve facebook status about how everything was looking up and I was so happy. Hypocrite? Definitely. 

I remember being sixteen years old, my favorite teacher had just written a gorgeous memoir, and I was at rock bottom. She had been through just as much hell as I ever had. I told her I resented her for it. Rather than being a good friend and celebrating everything she had been through, I spat out accusations. "Why does this get to happen to you and not me?" I had forgotten that the time span between her tragedy and the present stretched out over half a decade, I didn't think about where she was only a few months afterward like I was at the time. I didn't care. I was sixteen and childish. She didn't send me out of the room. She didn't even scold me the way she always did when I half-assed a paper. She understood. She stepped down from her successes for a moment and sat at my side. She talked to me about how she remembered what it was like where I was. I listened to stories of people I will never meet, whose names I do not care to know, and how their stupid perfect lives pissed her off. She hugged me, and I was off to class at CASA, not thinking about how much damage I could have just inflicted. I left without the anger I deserved to have directed at me. 

I forgot about that conversation for a long, long time. I thought about how if I talked to this friend, she wouldn't have been so understanding, and probably rightfully so. There isn't anything right about screaming accusations at people just for enjoying life's small pleasures: New Year's eve with someone you love. Or getting a book published. Yeah, it's the little things. 

But I post about my successes on facebook all the time. I love my school and have been given so many opportunities to grow as a leader, a writer, a scientist, a musician, a young mind eager to soak up as much knowledge as I can find. Does that hurt anyone the way it used to hurt me? 

Talk to me about it. I'll step down from my good life to hold your hand. I will tell you all about the place I was mentally trapped it. Every poor decision I made, and how even though I may have worked very hard to get to where I am, it's really just dumb luck that I am even breathing today. I will remember how I was, and I will not resent you for resenting me. I will talk to you about the time span, how healing doesn't work according to a schedule but that time will, eventually, give you distance from your past. It is truly wonderful, and it will happen. I will tell you that most people aren't even that happy anyway. It's all bullshit, and that you are in pain because you are something genuine suffocating under the superficial. 

This conversation can happen tomorrow or in ten years. I am in a good place, even if I'm "working on it." But I cannot, and will not, forget the bad place. 

One Is Too Many

The zealous feminists that speak the loudest seem to represent the entire movement. And I think because of that, the “feminist movement” often presents misleading statistics. Some people just like to get angry about things, without making sure they're actually correct. 

Example: Women make eighty three cents for every dollar that men make for the same work. It is true that if you add up all the incomes of women in the United States, and all the incomes of men, and find the median of each, it ends up being that women make about 83% of what men make. This doesn’t account for the line of work, number of years in the position, and whether or not the employee works full or part time. It’s an issue that women aren’t encouraged to study science and mathematics, but only under uncommon circumstances are women paid less than men for the EXACT same work.

I approve of people debunking these things. If we’re going to argue over something, we should at least make sure it’s true, right? It’s harder to get people to join the movement if we’re getting worked up over nonexistent issues.

But there has been one statistic that’s been getting a lot of attention for being falsifiable, and to be quite honest, I don’t think the truth matters.

Sexual assault numbers.

Yes, the Campus Sexual Assault survey that concluded with the result that one in five women will be sexually assaulted during her college career was a bit confusing, especially living in a society where we don’t really understand what sexual assault IS. Rather than straightforwardly asking if a student had been “raped,” it asked about students having sex while “incapacitated” by the use of drugs or alcohol. Many women answered yes to this question, but when asked later if they had been “raped,” they said no.

…so, what does this mean? Are women invalidating their own experiences, or is this study complete BS? According to Michigan law, a person cannot consent to sexual activity with ANY amount of alcohol in their system. It isn’t right to take advantage of a person’s vulnerability, but I know plenty of women who have felt completely comfortable giving consent while intoxicated. I’d love to say that the lines are clear here, but it’s a lot more complex than sex + alcohol = rape.

But I don’t want to get into that, because that isn’t the problem here.  

I want to know why people are so interested in proving these statistics wrong. Does it make a difference if one in five women are sexually assaulted during college versus one in ten? One in one hundred? Does the problem lessen if the statistics do?

Because quite frankly, I don’t give a damn if this is an issue that happens to one in five women, or one in seven billion. One isolated incident of sexual assault in the history of the universe would still outrage me. One act of total violation would still disgust me. One criminal walking free on the streets, while his or her victim suffers in silence would make me want to give a voice to someone who lost theirs. I’d like to believe I’d stand up, speak out, and put justice to that wrong-doing.

While maybe an inflated statistic could light a spark of fear that spread like a forest fire over college campuses everywhere, what other harm could it really do? Facts are important, but it doesn’t seem like anyone is trying to get the facts here, just make the problem small enough to sweep it under the rug.

I appreciate every effort the White House is putting in to fight sexual assault. I’d love to learn the actual statistics, but I really hope that people are trying to gather correct data for the right reasons.

Because really, one assault is too many.

Another Post on Self Esteem

We hear it ALL the time.

Love your body campaigns. "Be yourself" posters plastered over the walls of every 13 year old girl's room in the nation. When song lyrics take a break from sex and drinking, they often speak of self acceptance. You can't get away from it.

In my residence hall, a group of students meet every week to plan fun events and talk about issues. They're known as our "hall government." Last week, we started off the meeting by going around the circle we sat in saying three positive things about ourselves. Some people knew immediately their three choices, others took a moment to contemplate. Some couldn't come up with three.

At the end of the activity, our lovely Hall president Nicole acknowledged how difficult it can be to say three positive things about yourself out loud in front of your peers. She's totally right. We live in a world where it is SO hard to acknowledge your own good in front of other people.

I took a moment to contemplate mine, but only because I had a hard time narrowing down the things I love about myself. I embody creativity. I bring amusement wherever I go, and contagious energy. But when it comes to being "outgoing," I'd choose hearing one person's life story over superficial small talk with ten people. And I'm not afraid to talk about passions and fears and cynicism with people I've just met. I have a wild, fiery mane, and I love it. I am as genuine as they come. I'd do anything for anyone I'd call a friend. I'd sooner die than back down from my beliefs.

But in this society, if I say these things, I'm "arrogant," not "confident." I've often wondered how to tell the difference between the two, and I've come to this conclusion: if you can recognize your flaws and not feel superior, you're just confident.

I definitely think that photoshopped pictures on magazine covers and fad diets contribute to the self-esteem problem these days, but it seems like most self esteem campaigns focus on those things alone. And to be honest, I'm not a fan of most of said campaigns. They're usually cheesy, and they don't really hit the nail on the head.

The problem with self esteem is that it's become the norm to have low self esteem. When you try to go outside the norm, people find a way to crush you back into it. Arrogant, conceited, full-of-it, whatever you want to call it, we've not only made it normal to not feel good about yourself if you don't look or act like a model. We've made it normal to cut people down who DO feel good about themselves.

There's also a lot of pressure in these campaigns to "love your flaws." You don't need to do that to feel good about yourself. I think people are confusing "quirks" with "flaws" here. Just because I don't wear makeup to cover my acne, doesn't mean I love having screaming pink blemishes covering my cheeks. I just don't worry about it. I'm often moody and irrational to an extreme, and just because that's common for people who have vaginas, doesn't mean I should love my angry outbursts or over-dramatic crying spells. I shouldn't even be "okay" with it, it's just understanding that it doesn't make me a bad person.

I hope people learn that they shouldn't be working on loving themselves because Adele and Lady Gaga are doing it. People should be doing it in retaliation against a world that pretends to promote self-esteem, but labels people as "arrogant" when they actually have it. And please remember that loving oneself doesn't mean you need to think your vices are okay, because they're not. But we all have them and don't need to lose sleep over them. Let's make a world where we don't need cheesy campaigns to feel good about ourselves, because confidence is a trend.

Reasons Why I'm Single

My eight year old self thought I would be with the love of my life by the time I was twenty, and married to him by the time I was twenty three.

The idea is so incredibly comical now. If I'm not with friends on a Friday night, I'm in my dorm stuffing my face with Domino's or Jimmy John's. I don't have the faintest idea if I've met the love of my life, or if he is a stranger. Or if he even exists. Or if he is actually a she.

I mean, I've dated before... a litte. But I feel like people treat me as though I have NO insight whatsoever on this stuff just because I've never been in a long-term relationship. I know I'll feel differently about being in long term relationships once I find the right person, but why is it so bad if I want to be a free little bird until I'm... 30?

Yeah, that sounds good. I think that once people find their significant other, it's hard to imagine life without them.

But I want to travel during and after college. I want to move to interesting places and not feel like I'm leaving someone behind or dragging them with me. I've seen so many couples enjoy having their space, but what if that's not the kind of relationship I end up getting in to? What if longing and nostalgia end up inhibiting or ruining my travels? What if I come back to someone, and it turns out they hadn't been waiting for me?

I want to spend more time with my friends. Friendships are light-hearted, less exclusive, and non-physical (sort of) relationships that are of infinite value. I have seen SO many peers cling to their significant others so tightly that they forget how important it is to just spend time with their friends. College is where you find your bridesmaids, not your groom. Sometimes.

I don't need another thing to worry about. On top of balancing my classes, my Resident Advisor job, extracurriculars, and keeping in touch with friends and family... well, as my good friend Arianna Grande would say, I got one less problem without you.

At the age of 20, I've got a decent idea of who I am and how I operate. But I've still got a good deal of figuring things out that I need to do. Then I can be more secure in a relationship. Being the youngster that I am, I tend to get bored quickly with people I start dating. This has a few exceptions, but is that risk fair?

Don't get me wrong, I like the idea of coming home to someone that makes me happy, and I like having someone to think about when my day starts going south. It's something that's on my mind a lot, and I bitch AT LEAST once a day about being single and bitter. I often with I had someone who was obligated to listen to my feelings and think I'm the best person in the world. But isn't that all the more reason I should be waiting to settle down?

I don't believe in soul mates. There is probably someone who would make me happy in Denver, and someone who would make me equally as happy in Madrid. No matter where I end up, I'll eventually find someone "perfect."

I hope none of this sounded like I was bashing anyone who dates in college. If that's what makes my peers happy, then that's fantastic. Relationships shouldn't be inhibiting, but with everything I want to do, one would be. For now. Maybe tomorrow I'll meet someone special. Who knows? But there's nothing ignorant about enjoying the idea of freedom. I've got a few experiences I need to have before I lay in bed next to someone thinking "...what if?"

Possibly Appropriate First Post

So, I had a blog once my freshman year of college, but I still have NO idea how to start this off.

It feels strange because I'm assuming only my friends and family are ever going to look at this. But I think I'm supposed to talk about who I am and why I'm writing this.

My name is Mariel. I just turned 20 yesterday. I'm studying writing in Michigan's upper peninsula, and I should have my bachelor's degree by May of 2016 (hopefully...).

I really love writing. Why else would I be dedicating four years of my life to studying a discipline with almost NO job prospect without grad school? But I feel like I don't have a way to share most of what I write. So it just gets tossed out. I think I'd be more motivated if I knew people would look at it.
I over-analyze anything and everything. I am strong in my opinions, and try to keep them to myself unless I'm asked for them, but that doesn't always work. I'm overly emotional, and neither ashamed nor afraid to tell the world how I'm actually feeling.

Social media these days is all about putting out the best version of ourselves. From having the best job to being well-traveled, we need to be... awesome? Yeah, I think so.

I want people to know what actually goes on in my mind. Nothing better or worse than what what is there. I want the words on this space to be honest.

And if we're being REALLY honest... I've been a vegetarian for five years. And I really want a hot dog right now. This happens more than I'll usually admit.